Today's fluff has got him! We've got the Duke!
According to the Daily Mail Arsenal have now "stepped up their pursuit" of Ajax central defensive obstacle Jan Vertonghen having – against all expectations – finally fallen out of love with scuttling French catastrophe-magnet Sébastien Squillaci and the physically prodigious but still, after all these years, bafflingly ineffectual Johann Djourou. Vertonghen, who sounds encouragingly similar to "Vermaelen", is 25 years old and would cost £7m.
Alan Pardew has been penning a series of florid scented epistles to FC Twente defender Douglas. Yes: just "Douglas". Douglas is also wanted by Aston Villa. Douglas will cost £8m. Douglas was born in Brazil, is 24 years old and his real name is Douglas Franco Teixeira, which is much better than "Douglas". Pardew is also in a funk over Douglas's team-mate Luuk de Jong. Loveably whimsical peacenik El-Hadji Diouf is "willing to forget his spat" with Leeds striker Luciano Becchio in return for a lucrative signing on fee and substantial weekly wages. Diouf and Becchio were involved in a standard issue foul-mouthed, chest-poking pitch bust-up cum tunnel fracas farrago earlier this season. "I'm sure he and I could link up well at Leeds. It would be ideal for me,'" Diouf said, browsing What Ludicrous New Yellow Sports Car magazine.
In the Daily Mirror fashionable Rennes midfielder Yann M'Vila, who appears to be constantly on the verge of joining Arsenal, could now be on the verge of joining Arsenal, thereby bringing to an end a period of being on the verge of joining Arsenal that pre-dates the existence of football, money and even the word "Arsenal".
Balaclava-clad Nottingham Forest boss Steve Cotteril is planning to "raid his former club Portsmouth" and make off with 300 Wagon Wheels, a jumbo cardboard box full of blue sweatbands and David Norris and Luke Varney, who are 29 and 31 respectively and available on "cut-price fees" from the relegated south coast shambles. And loveable feisty Blackpool talk-a-lot TV's Ian Holloway is being lined up as the next Wolves manager. Jez Moxey, who did such a fine job handling the managerial situation this season, is keen to lure the madcap baldie motormouth away from the north-west and into some kind of frantic fast-talking promotion shemozzle.
In today's Sun nice, sad, softly spoken Chris Hughton is West Brom's "No1 target" to replace England darling and all-round person's choice Roy Hodgson. No doubt encouraged by the success of Alex McLeish at Aston Villa, Baggies chairman Jeremy Peace has decided poaching a manager from another Midlands club is the way to go: West Brom will wait until after Hughton has appeared looking sad and lonely in a suit with a tearful little flower in the lapel during the play-offs before making their approach.
Also in the Sun "Jack Rodwell's Olympic dream hangs in the balance". Everton midfield dainty Rodwell has been suffering from recurrent hamstring-twang. David Moyes has now threatened to withdraw him from the Great Britain flat-water kayaking squad.
And itinerant strike-mercenary Asamoah Gyan may be lining up a "permanent" move to scarcely visible made-up desert moneybags Al Ain of the UAE Hyper-Whatever. "He has indicated on a number of occasions that he would like to remain at the club," Al Ain chief executive Carlo Nohra said, watching Gyan take his daily oil bath in the solid gold eternity hot tub installed on the balcony of his 49th floor desert paradise apartment. Sunderland could receive a further £3m if he never comes back.
On goal.com ineffective Mexican jink-sensation Giovani dos Santos could finally be leaving Spurs after four years and two Premier League starts. "Gio is a good player and is a good lad. He has good ability," Harry Redknapp said, putting on a tiny little fixed smile and doing his level best to move the merch. And Belgian defensive lunk Daniel van Buyten has signed a new contract at Bayern Munich despite being injured, 34 years old, not that good and a defensive lunk. ""We are delighted Daniel will continue playing for Bayern next season, we know exactly what we have with him," sporting director Christian Nerlinger said, shrugging listlessly. Van Buyten may yet be fit enough to engage in a tiresome elephantine wrestling match with Didier Drogba in the Champions League. Read More
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