Celtic add to Rangers' misery with a comprehensive victory in an Old Firm derby lacking somewhat in heat and spice. Like an egg korma.
Three Nurofen, a Lucozade Sport and a fry-up of such epic size and grease that several small seabirds have perished in its extremities. That, my friends, is a a Sunday breakfast fit for a king. And you can bet the good denizens of Glasgow will have had their Weetabix this morning in anticipation of this, the fourth and final Old Firm derby of the season.
When the fixtures were announced last summer, this must surely have been pencilled in as a potential SPL title decider. After, all only three games remain in Scotland after this. Instead Celtic are 18 points clear at the summit, the championship long since decided and Rangers' battle at the moment is for their very existence rather than shiny trophies and baubles.
Nevertheless, Rangers currently lead 2-1 (and 7-5 on aggregate) in the Old Firm games this season, those two defeats for Celtic comprising 50% of all their losses in the league. The Light Blues come into the game on a four-match winning run that started with the 3-2 win over their neighbours at Ibrox in March. After some pretty depressing headlines on both sides of the city this week, both will be looking to end it on a high.
The teams are already in:
Celtic: Forster, Matthews, Loovens, Mulgrew, Izaguirre, Commons, Brown, Wanyama, Ledley, Samaras, Hooper. Subs: Zaluska,
Kelvin Wilson, Stokes, Cha, McCourt, Watt, McGeouch.
Rangers: McGregor, Bartley, Goian, Bocanegra, Whittaker, McCabe, Edu, Wallace, Aluko, Little, McCulloch. Subs: Alexander, Broadfoot, Healy, Bedoya, Ness, Kerkar, Perry.
Referee: Calum Murray (Scotland)
Pre-match email dept. "Afteroon John! Fabulous breakfast, although replacing the lucozade with buckie would surely be more apt," begins Ryan Dunne. "As a (one presumes) neutral, do you agree with fans of the Glorious Glasgow Rangers (like me!) on the necessity of Rangers' survival to Scottish football? Celtic might be able to cope with the Sky TV deal being ripped up, but that's hardly likely to be true of all the league's diddy teams (and, media wise, to give but one pertinent example, I can't imagine guardian.co.uk/football having a 20 points clear Celtic vs random Diddy Team MBM). That said, if the worst comes to the worst and we get bumped to the third division (where's an Establishment/Masonic conspiracy when you need one?!) there is some beguiling old school heroism in playing the plucky Rebel Alliance to Celtic's evil Empire or a few years."
Click-clack, click-clack … the teams are in the tunnel …
Squelch, squelch … And now they're out on the pitch. Actually, though, unlike most of the country, Glasgow appears dry. Cracking conditions.
Peep! Off we go then in the final Old Firm game of the season (and, given Rangers perillous financial state, potentially the final one for a while).
1 min: "You'll never walk alone" rings out from the home terraces, but it's Rangers on the front foot early on.
2 min: Robin Hazlehurst has sent in an email mentioning football events in Sheffield. Please, and I can't stress this strongly enough, do not send in emails mentioning football events in Sheffield. Thank you. Meantime, Rangers swing in a set piece that evades those in the box and drifts well wide.
4 min: McCulloch tumbles down by the corner flag under Loovens challenge but referee Calum Murray tells the cheeky scamp to get up and awards only a throw in.
5 min: Bocanegra punts a ball long, Andrew Little chests down and McCullloch, with far too much time, volleys well over.
6 min: Izaguirre scuttles clear down the left and send in a cross that sparks panic in the Rangers box. Kris Commons ends up scuffing wide.
8 min: Hooper and Bocanegra chase after a through-ball. Captain America goes down and the referee awards a free-kick, probably correctly.
10 min: Pretty scrappy start this.
11 min: Wanyama hits the turf after Wallace's challenge. His leg crumbled a little underneath him. That looks painful.
12 min: The old magic sponge seems to have done the trick for the young Kenyan.
13 min: Wallace whips in a gorgeous cross, which Whittaker almost gets on the end of. Corner …
14 min: … hammered in by McCabe. Deflected. Another corner …
15 min: … and cleared away properly this time.
16 min: Best move of the match so far: McCabe wins the ball in midfield, shimmies past his marker and plays in Whittaker. He feeds Little, whose shot is comfortably saved by Forster.
GOAL!!! Celtic 1-0 Rangers (Mulgrew 17) Celtic lead! And it slightly bizarre fashion. Celtic swing in a corner. Charlie Mulgrew charges in utterly unmarked from the edge of the box and sends his diving header into the ground and up into the net.
18 min: Lee Wallace goes into the referee's Big Book of Very Naughty Boys after a hefty challenge on Commons.
19 min: Wanyama trips Edu on the edge of the box. Dangerous free-kick this …
20 min: … spanked into the wall by McCabe. Celtic fans do the Poznan in celebration.
22 min: Here's Neil Sharma: "In response to Ryan Dunne: Can you explain how it's fair that clubs such as Dundee, Livingston, Gretna, Luton Town and Swindon Town get punished but Rangers should be exempt because they're a bigger club? Rangers were so keen to leave the Scottish game for greater riches in England, so why is there so much hand-wringing over the obligation that the Scottish game has towards saving Rangers now?"
23 min: Doesn't seem to be much fancy dress on display at Celtic Park. I suppose there are a few weeks left yet before the costumes come out in Scotland. At Selhurst Park yesterday I spotted one rather soggy Smurf among the visiting Cardiff fans. Good to see someone making an effort.
25 min: Brown hammers into Edu in trademark fashion but escapes a booking. Rangers punt the free-kick forward, Whittaker volleys well over from the knockdown.
27 min: Joe Ledley wins a corner, which comes to nothing.
29 min: Izaguirre scuttles down the left once more and sends in a cross that begs to be buried. Ledley gets on the end of it, but he's under-pressure and can only float his header over the bar.
GOAL!!! Celtic 2-0 Rangers (Commons 31) A lovely goal this time. Hooper pings a pass from wide on the right into Commons, who evades Bartley's wild challenge and tucks the ball neatly past McGregor in the Rangers goal. That's his first of the season, but he took it like a man who's well into double figures.
32 min: Ally McCoist looks very cross. He's got a scowl on and no mistake. His team haven't played badly, but they've been useless at the back for the two goals.
34 min: Commons pings in a corner. Rangers head clear. Then Izaguirre sends in another teasing cross that the defenders nod wide. And from another corner Ledley floats a glancing header wide of the post. Rangers are on the ropes here.
36 min: CRUNCH! POW!! OOF!!! A few shuddering challenges go in. The referee has done well to keep a lid on this so far, though.
38 min: Wanyama shuffles inside and fires off a shot that McGregor does well to turn aside. One-way traffic now.
40 min: This is a lull. (But it won't hurt you).
42 min: Little fires in a cross, but Mulgrew snuffs it out at source. Rangers look becalmed and awkward, like a canoe in a bath.
43 min: Bartley spanks an uncontrollable 'pass' in the vague direction of Little. Throw-in.
PEEEEP!! And that is half time. Celtic are pipe-and-slippers comfortable.
Half-time snack dept. Just a PG Tips for me, thanks.
So as it stands the Old Firm aggregate this season is 2-2 in matches and 7-7 in goals.
Peep! Off we go then. Rangers were in the dressing room for a good minute longer than their opponents.
46 min: Edu stabs in a cross and Forster fumbles it after a whack from Andrew Little. Celtic, though, hammer clear.
47 min: The sun is out at Celtic Park. The sun! The light! It burns!
48 min: Celtic have picked up here where they left the first half.
50 min: Wanyama – who looks a very handy player indeed – shepherds the ball out under pressure from Little.
51 min: Izaguirre zips in another cross that skims the foreheads of his attacking colleagues.
52 min: Stunning save from McGregor to keep out a stunning effort from Ledley, whose volley was dipping into the top corner.
53 min: From the corner, Wanyama fails to connect cleanly, but …
GOAL!!! Celtic 3-0 Rangers (Hooper 54) And that's a thumping, thraiking finish from Hooper. Commons picks McCabe's pocket in midfield, passes to Samaras, who provides the perfect pass for the former Scunthorpe man to wallop home.
55 min: Samaras, having provided that assist, reverts to type by thunking a miscued sidefoot shot well over the bar.
56 min: Off comes McCabe, on comes Jamie Ness. Damage limitation job to be done by the Light Blues now.
58 min: Joe Ledley wins a throw-in, which is all the excuse I need to post this bit of aural and visual brilliance:
60 min: A comedy of errors from Rangers there – Aluko's horrible 'clearance' drops to a Celtic shirt on the edge of the box, then just as Ness appears to have snuffed out the danger, Izaguirre nips the ball away and tries to beat McGregor at his near post.
62 min: Wallace, Aluko and Edu combine neatly down the left, until the latter's clunking pass is too strong and zips out for a goal-kick.
64 min: Celtic have stepped off the gas, but Rangers are still carrying the attacking threat of a boiled parsnip.
65 min: Aluko gets the magic sponge after being trodden on by Scott Brown. There's not been a great deal of needle in truth. The league table, the issues off the field and Celtic's superiority have been prohibitive on that score, keeping the angry tension to a minimum.
67 min: This is all a bit lifeless now – a vindaloo that's morphed into a korma. With maybe a saag paneer on the side.
68 min: And just as I type that, Bartley goes all phaal on Samaras, chopping the Celtic striker down from behind. No booking, though.
70 min: Whittaker launches a ball vaguely goalwards, but it's a wild and weary effort that goes out for a goal kick.
72 min: Ledley dinks a ball through to Commons, who is perhaps a yard away from controlling it and going clean through. Up the other end, a rare Rangers attack ends with substitute Kerkar chipping over.
73 min: Commons thumps an effort at goal that ricochets away off a Rangers shirt.
74 min: Kyle Bartley is a one-man spice machine now. He's single-handedly trying to get things going, this time by hammering into Izaguirre about three minutes after the ball has gone. He's booked this time.
77 min: Whittaker tumbles in the box, but it's a penalty shout as optimistic as a badger in a hat trying to get into a chickens-only birthday party.
79 min: This has been day-old-Tizer flat since the third goal.
80 min: Anthony Stokes replaces Georgios Samaras for Celtic.
82 min: Loovens clatters McCulloch from behind to give Rangers a free-kick 30-odd yards out …
83 min: … Aluko curls it at goal, but Forster is there to turn it away. Decent effort matched by a decent save.
84 min: Commons off, McCourt on.
86 min: Izaguirre wins a corner. He's been excellent today. Unfortunately for Celtic and the SPL, he looks a player destined to wind up in the Premier League.
88 min: McCulloch catches Mulgrew with a flailing arm, but in better news for the left-back he's just been named man-of-the-match.
89 min: Scott Brown is fortunate to remain on the pitch after steaming into Kerkar like some sort of psychotic human frisbee. The Celtic captain somehow escapes with a yellow card.
90+2 min: Brown is again lucky, but not in a tackle this time. His challenge sends the ball through to Kerkar, who is clean through, but the linesman - wrongly - raises his flag for offside.
PEEP!! And that's it. Calum Murray puts Rangers out of their considerable misery.
Right, that's it from me. Thanks for your company. Why not head over here for the latest stats and standings from the SPL and beyond? Or just cook yourself a nice Sunday roast? Anyway, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Well, you can, but there's not much point because I'm off. Cheerio! Read More
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